


Given

by goodbothtimes



Series: Promised [2]
Category: Rhett & Link
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 19:53:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5261426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodbothtimes/pseuds/goodbothtimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Link has become significantly physically disabled, heavily reliant on others for his physical needs. </p>
<p>This is a continuation of the story began in Promised.  But it is set a short time later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have purposefully not identified the specifics of the accident or illness that caused this because of reasons but, there is some hope for some level of rehabilitation over time. I might expand on this story in future and add more details of the event / illness, but that wasn’t what I wanted to get into.

I wake up as I do most mornings, with the sound of my children talking loudly to Jessie. They have normally been up at least half an hour by the time the noise filters through to me.

I roll onto my back slowly, squinting a little at the sun streaming across our large bed. I listen to our youngest asking for more cereal. Asking my wife when Daddy is going to be up. 

I can’t hear her reply, but it seems to satisfy him because I hear nothing more from them for the remainder of the time it takes me to get up and dressed slowly. I stumble into the bathroom, glancing at my reflection as I stand mindlessly relieving myself. Trying to figure out what day it is.

My expression changing to one of resigned sadness. It’s Thursday today. And Thursday means a harsh reminder of where we are now, and where we all used to be.

After zipping up and washing my hands, not bothering with my hair at all, I make my way to the dining room. The old mail song stuck in my mind giving me a low-grade headache. I miss him singing with me. I miss his voice.

Jessie looks up from the food she is preparing, a ready smile on her face.

“Morning, love. You look rough,” she says not unkindly.

“Thanks. You look great.” I say, and I mean it. She always does. I make my way around the counter and kiss her neck gently, my hand resting briefly on her hip. “I slept in a bit long.” 

“It’s only 8:30. It;s not too bad.” 

“I better go, though, I’m normally there by now. He’ll be waiting.” 

“You know, you don’t have to do this every day. I’m sure Christy would manage one morning.” 

“Yeah, I know,” I say, already moving away, “But, I said I would be there today.” 

“I’ll see you later this afternoon? I’m taking the boys to the art gallery. Maybe you could meet us there. Link too if he’s up to it, of course.” 

“Hmm. I’ll run it by him and see what he thinks. I’ll text you later and let you know what I’m up to.” 

I say goodbye to my family after listening to their plans for the day, and Shepherd's dream from the night before. 

I try to be with them, in the moment, listen properly, care about what they are saying rather than waiting for a silence so I can excuse myself, I really do, but my mind is already at Link’s front door.

At last I’m in my car listening to the radio and trying to keep my mind as empty as I can. Keeping one ear open for anything that Link might find entertaining on the morning news. I have already sent a text before starting the car to let Christy know I am running late. She has replied saying she’d let Link know. So I don’t have to panic too much, but. I still felt horrible.

I pull into the driveway, parking behind their modified minivan, jumping out of my car and walking with long strides up the path. I let myself in and call out to Christy as I close the front door.

“Morning, Rhett.” She walks down the passway towards me with a broad smile. “How are you doing today?” 

“Could be worse. How are you, Christy?” 

“Hmm. Good. Well, you know.” her hand rests on my arm a short moment, her smile fading a little before she turns and walks back towards their kitchen.

“I’m sorry I am so late this morning. I might skip the coffee for now if that’s alright? He’s gotta be getting a little frustrated.” 

“I don’t think he minds, but if you’d rather make a start that’s fine. I’ll have one ready for you.” 

“Anything I need to know before I start?”

“Uh, he and I had a bit of a fight last night.”

“Oh?” I look over surprised.

“Don’t look at me like that. You know he can still get his point across very well when he wants to.” 

“What happened.”

“Oh, it was stupid. I was having a glass of wine.”

I sit down on a stool at the breakfast bar, watching her move around the kitchen wiping down the counters and the stove top nervously.

“You know, I don’t very often, but it had been one of those days. And. He wanted one. And I said I didn’t think it was a good idea, and well. He disagreed. And I refused to get him one. And he didn’t speak to me for about three hours.” 

“At all?”

“Well, if glaring is communicating, I guess he didn’t shut up the entire time. But otherwise. Complete silent treatment. And refused to use his computer anymore for the rest of the evening. Not even with the kids. He at least made some effort with them, unless I said anything and then it was the look and silence.” 

I smile at her warmly. 

“I think, you probably made the right call. I’ll try talk with him about it.” 

“Oh, it will likely blow over. But I guess I need to find out what is ok and what is not. I mean, do you think he can drink?” 

“He’s never been much of a drinker. But maybe a glass here and there would be ok. I can’t imagine it being exactly good for him, though. I mean, he has so much to try and recover from. See what Dave thinks.” 

He is seeing a new specialist, focused primarily on rehabilitation. He has been having physio the entire time but is now also attending speech therapy and occupational therapy a few times a week. He seems to be finding the sessions more frustrating than anything else. 

I knock gently, not wanting to startle him and walk into his bedroom. His head is turned away from me, and I can tell by the rise and fall of his chest he is sleeping again.

I make my way over to the bed, noticing the jeans and shirt at the foot of the bed.

I rock him carefully, my hand on his shoulder, speaking gently. “Wake up, Buddy. Time to get you ready, huh?” 

He slowly blinks up at me, swallowing visibly.

“Haaaa.” his smile is not quite reaching his eyes.

“How you doing, man. I’m sorry I’m late. I didn’t sleep so well. How about you?” 

He shakes his head slowly, a slight shrug of his right shoulder.

“You wanting to sleep in some more?” 

He watches me before his eyes flick down towards my chest. I can almost see his brain ticking over.

He finally shakes his head slowly. “Naaaaa.” 

“Good decision!” I didn’t like it when he stayed in bed. His mood has been quite low lately. I can’t say I blame him, but it is worrying to both of us. Christy and I have talked about it.

“So, you needing a wash today?” 

He nods his head, downwards quite violently, but kept his eyes on me.

“Shower?”

Again he nodded. A smile beginning to appear. 

“I see you guys decided on jeans today.” I raise my eyebrow. “Physical challenge?” 

“Yaaa.” he nodded again, smiling wider, but it still falls short of his eyes.

“Ok, I’ll be just a sec.” 

I make my way into the ensuite, turn on the hot water, and wheel the shower chair over to his bed. He watches me silently, as he often does. I wish I could read his mind. What is he thinking about in there. How long is it going to be before he was better? Will he ever be? 

I duck back into the bathroom and change quickly into board shorts. It is just easier for us this way. I don’t know how to shower him without getting soaked myself. I grab his robe, and head back to the bed, placing my bundle of clothes on the armchair in the corner. 

It is much easier to get him undressed in bed than when he is sitting in the chair. So, we go through the process of getting his pajamas off, and his robe on. A lot of rolling, and limb arrangement, but we are well practiced in the process now. He remains fairly quiet throughout.

I raise the head of his bed to an almost sitting position, move his legs over the side of the bed, being careful to not tangle his catheter tubing and arrange his arms over my shoulders, waiting for him grip one hand with the other so they stay in place. He arms warm on my bare skin. I could feel his smile against my neck as I count and then lift him off the bed, standing with him against the length of my body. I turn and lowered him into the shower chair carefully. He murmurs a little, indicating he is balanced well enough. I let go of him, but keep one of my arms around him, reaching up with the other to help guide his arm from my neck to his lap, and repeat the process with his other arm.

Once that is done, I push the wheelchair into the bathroom, keeping my hand firmly on his shoulder to keep him sitting upright. Physiotherapy is helping, but he is still unable to sit up on his own. 

After parking him close to the shower, I reach with my free hand to check the water temperature, directing the head of the shower towards the far wall. Not wanting any to hit him until his chair is in position, and I’m ready.

He laughs at me a little as I try and position the chair correctly, while keeping at least one hand on him and end up slipping around more than usual, gripping his chair to stop myself from falling over.

“What’s Christy been doing in here man? It’s way slippery.” 

“Aaahhhh.” He continues laughing looking up at me.

“I’m gonna sue you if I fall over. Wipe that smile off your face, Neal”

He’s soon laughing even harder, making it much more difficult for me to keep him in place.

“Dude!” 

I grab a towel and throw it on the floor beneath my feet. I can’t afford to actually fall. 

“Ok, you ready?”

He nods slowly, watching my face. I wonder what it is he looks for in my expression. I wonder if he’s seeing it.

I check the water temperature again with my free hand, before undoing his robe, removing it from his upper body, allowing it to pool around his hips. Lifting one of his arms around my neck again, I reach around him and lift him enough to slip his robe out from underneath him, throwing it to the doorway so it won’t get wet.

Again he starts making that almost laughing noise. But, nervousness now.

So, I begin wetting him down with the water, so he has the illusion of some cover, removing the showerhead so I can direct it over his body, my hand on his shoulder throughout the process. 

I talk to him about everything I had heard on the radio coming in. Let him know what the weather conditions are going to be. Discuss the latest major trends and pop culture of the day.

He smiles up at me, vocalising occasionally, general gibberish I think. None of the sounds making any particular sense to me, but he seems happy enough.

I pause and stand away from him, keeping the water directed towards his legs, trying to make sure he stays warm enough.

“You want your hair washed?” 

He nods carefully. 

So I shampoo him slowly, making sure he isn’t getting any soap in his eyes. He hums as my fingers massage his scalp.

I resume my monologue once I have finished rinsing his hair.

“So, we need to go into the office a while.” I say as I begin soaping the rest of his body using the large loofah. Keeping my hand on his shoulder still, he moves a little with the motions of my hand. 

“Hmmm.” he murmurs, his eyes closed.

“I wanna show you a video editing suite. I want us to see if you can use it. And, ah, Jessie’s taking the boys to the museum or gallery or something, cultural. You wanna come with me?” 

“Hmm.” he nods again, his eyes opening briefly. 

I scrub his body from head to toe fairly quickly. Showers tend to be functional affairs. Bed baths more an emotionally driven experience. But I might be reading too much into it. 

“Ok, I think we’re about done,” I say as I rinse his body down a final time. “Feel ok?” 

“Hmmm. Yaaahh.” 

I drape him with multiple towels for the trip back to his bedroom, parking the chair beside the bed again. I keep the towel over his lap but remove the others before beginning to dry his hair carefully. And then I dry his upper body, moving him here and there until he is dry enough. I repeat the process as much as I can with his legs and feet as well, drying the catheter tubing and bag. Basically drying everything that is accessible to me while he is in the shower chair. 

I dry myself down as much as I can as well before I lay some more towels on his bed to stop it getting too wet, and then lift him onto his bed. Not bothering with his robe, or doing a standing transfer. Occasionally lifting him as if I am gonna carry him over the threshold is ok, and it helps keep the towel in place for him. Setting up the hoist was not worth the time or effort.

Once he is safely on the bed, I duck back in the bathroom drying myself and changing back into my jeans. His eyes travel over my chest casually as I approach the bed. He has given himself permission to look at me however he wants lately. Anyone really. And I figure considering the state of undress I see him in every day, I guess that it is only fair. Although I wish I could tell what he is thinking about. Today his expression is fairly neutral, although his eyes linger longer than he normally allows before flicking back to my face. No guilt or embarrassment as he meets my gaze.

I keep the conversation as light as possible while I get his lower body dressed, making sure the catheter tubing is not kinked or going to get in the way of anything, before carefully zipping his jeans without trapping anything important.

He is very quiet through most of this process, waiting until I have raised the bed again, before vocalising again to get my attention.

“You alright?” I ask as I reach for his shirt. 

He watches me silently. He looks pretty down today. Tormented. It’s been going on a while now. 

“I, uh. I spoke with Christy before coming in this morning.” I start. Although, truth be told, I speak with her every morning before getting him ready. Which I think he knows about, but we haven’t ever specifically discussed it.

“Hmm.” he said, his voice unsteady, through little use.

“She told me you guys had a bit of a fight?”

“Hmm.” 

“So, you wanna talk about it?”

He rocks his hand slightly.

“Sort of?” 

He nods and glanced at his feet, before looking back up to my eyes.

“Alright. But, you know, I don’t think it’s really…”

“Naaaaa,” he says loudly, effectively drowning me out, shaking his head once I stop speaking.

“Ok. We’ll talk later. Doesn’t matter what I think right now. I don’t have all the facts.” 

He nods again and stares up at the ceiling.

I move the shower chair back into the bathroom, and moved his wheelchair in place, shutting off the motor from habit.

We go through our normal routine, lifting him carefully into his wheelchair, I try to not linger too long this time. His mood is not as easy going as normal. I guess he is still pretty pissed off about the night before.

I dress him in the dark shirt that Christy has left out for him, fix his hair and slip his glasses on carefully, as he watches me silently. 

“Anything else you need before we head out?” 

He nods and tries to raise his arms. Both hands managing to raise slightly, before he lowers them slowly, tilting his head a little to the left.

“You want a hug?”

He smiles broadly and nods again.

I smile back and hold him close to me for a while. It has become a part of our daily routine. 

“Come on, man. Better get you fed. We’re already behind schedule thanks to me.” 

I step back assessing everything was in place correctly and that he looked comfortable, and was struck as I always am at how beautiful he was. 

“Yeah, you’ll pass for now.” I said quickly, slipping my shirt back on before leading the way out of his bedroom to the rest of the house.

 

I sit back slightly from the table, only partially paying attention to Christy feeding Link his breakfast. We talk a little between spoonfuls. Link’s eyes following the speaker, occasionally contributing with a gesture of some kind, a murmur here and there.

“So, I was thinking of taking Link to see my parents in a week or so. Just for a few days. Maybe a week, depending on how things go.”

“That sounds nice.” I reply automatically. Unsure how I actually feel about it.

“Naaaa.” Link says quickly surprising us both.

We both sit staring at him a moment, watching him shaking his head slowly back and forth.

“But we always go this time of year, Link. They’re expecting us and the kids.” 

He continues shaking his head.

“Well, you can’t stay here by yourself.” 

His eyes move to me.

I sit up straighter in my seat. “Uh, I mean, if you are needing to go, I could stay here a few days I guess. I don’t think Jessie would mind too much.” 

“No, Rhett. He needs to come back home with me. He is just mad at me still about last night. You can’t look after him 24/7 even with his carer coming. I don’t think it would be safe. He needs constant supervision. Besides, my Mom and Dad really wanna know how he’s doing.” 

“Well, I mean it’s obviously up to you guys, but I think I could look after him for a while, I mean, I…”

We both jump when Link’s wheelchair hits the table leg jolting the table, our coffee’s dancing in the mugs, but none spilling.

He sits silently looking at Christy, before looking over at me. His gaze intense. He is clearly upset with both of us. I feel like a little kid being chastised.

He keeps his gaze on me and then glances to the ceiling.

He doesn’t want to go. 

He looks over to the counter and I follow his line of sight, seeing his laptop.

“You want your computer?” 

He nods slowly.

Once I have it set up, and the tracking mouse he can use with minimal movements from his fingers in place, I bring up the speech program he uses.

He begins the painfully slow process of trying to enter the words he wants.

The cursor blinks on the screen before it finally moves. 

I begin reading aloud as he enters in each word, but he shakes his head violently as I start with Christy’s name.

“You want me to wait til you’re done?” 

He nods, and looks pointedly at my seat. I sit back at the table and look over at Christy. She meets my gaze and we both share a commiserating look. We’re both in trouble I think.

As much as I am happy to look after him for a few days without his family around, I don’t know if it is a good idea either really. But, he has something to say about it, so we waited.

Christy and I make small talk, mostly about the kids and Jessie, trying to not distract Link as he quietly works at getting his thoughts down, but not wanting him to feel pressured by us silently sitting there waiting either.

He looks up after ten minutes or so and clears his throat.

His computer began - Christy, Rhett. Please don’t talk about me like I am not sitting right next to you. I am not a child.

“I’m sorry, Link. You’re right.” I say quickly.

“Sorry, Love.” Christy added.

He taps his finger on the mouse again. He must have entered in a few sentences.

\- I do not want to go to en see. Your father does not like me anyway. It would not be fun for me. I want to stay here. Rhett can look after me. And carer. - 

Christy looks down at the table and then back up at Link. “Honey, I know you guys don’t get on so well, but he loves you. And he is really worried about how you are doing. I think it would be good for us to have some time away. Don’t you?”

He taps his finger on the mouse again. 

\- Rhett, I would like you to go now, please. - 

I look at him sharply, surprised. “You want me to go?

He keeps his gaze on Christy and taps the mouse again.

\- I need to speak with Christy. Thank you for your help. I will see you another time. - 

I stand up slowly, looking from Christy to Link, feeling a little out of place. Although his words sound quite short, I don’t take them at face value. It took a lot of time to select the right letters and words. He doesn’t need to expend his energy on worrying about tone. We have known one another much too long to need that.

“Well, alright Link. I’ll see ya round. Uh, just gimme a call if you wanna catch up later today.” I pat him on the shoulder on my way past, happy at his reassuring “Hmmm” in response.

“I’ll walk you out.” Christy steps around Link’s chair and places her hand in my arm.

We make it to the front door without speaking at all. She follows me outside, looking stressed. 

“Look, I’m sorry Rhett. I don’t know what is going on with him lately.”

“No, look, it’s ok. I mean you guys have stuff to talk about I guess. I don’t wanna be in the way.” I look down at her and added. “I am a bit worried about him, though. He seems kinda. I don’t know. Down?” 

“Yeah, I’ve noticed. It’s part of the reason I thought getting away might be a good idea. Who knows, maybe he’ll actually talk to me today instead of just saying he’s fine all the time.” she smiles at me again. “I don’t know what either of us would do without you, Rhett. I’ll give you a call once I know what’s happening with him.” 

“Thanks. Just so long as you’re both ok, I’m fine.” I give her a brief hug. “Good luck.” 

She smiles warmly at me. “Oh, it will be ok. If he really puts his foot down, I guess I’ll have to look into a way for it to work. I’ll be in touch anyway.” 

I drive back to my house feeling quite unsettled. I think about contacting my family and joining them at the gallery, but I feel too distracted to bother. It would only upset Jessie more if I am physically there, but utterly absent. Which is happening all too often lately.

Every time that I think back to crying with him in his bed that morning, I am undone. I want to hold him again, preferably without all the tears from both of us. But, if it helps him feel better, he can cry on me all day if he needs to. 

I had felt horrible for breaking down in front of him. It isn’t his job to make me feel better. But he had. His gentle touch on my chest, his low murmuring against me, making me cry even harder, but I had needed it. Feeling a little bit healed after we had slowly untangled ourselves, and we had finally emerged, looking for Christy with red-rimmed eyes, and apologetic looks on our faces.

But the relief had been short-lived really. I had moved back into the pretend everything is fine zone, and he had become slowly more distant from me over time. We would share the occasional moment, but most of our time together was just getting through each day, one minute at a time. Both of us protecting our emotional health from the pain the other was inadvertently causing.

And now, this morning. I walk from room to room at my house trying to find something to entertain my mind, but I always keep going back to sitting on the end of my couch, looking out into the back yard. Remembering various family gatherings between our families over the recent past. Before. 

This time as I stare unseeing out the sliding doors, I’m remembering a get together last spring. One that I have replayed so many times in my mind, finding peace and pain in equal measure. Wishing I could go back in time and change it.

The peace and pain of remembering him chasing the kids around the backyard like a man possessed. Laughing and yelling and the kids all screaming in make believe fright and genuine excitement. My own eldest son mocking him from a safe distance, the younger kids running into each other more than away from him. Christy telling him to be careful he didn’t injure himself or run into anything. He had laughed, making a comical scoffing expression - pfft, like that would ever happen - and had handed her his glasses, before taking off again after the children while the adults sat and watched.

I remember him, much later, slow dancing with his eldest daughter in his arms as the night wore on, the light beginning to fade, she had been getting over tired, quite short tempered and frustrated at the boys being too noisy and rough for her to tolerate by then. 

So he had left us mid conversation, and had swooped her up into his arms though she was starting to get a little big for him to do this easily. But he had managed, dropping Christy a wink at her gasp before clumsily stepping clear of the rest of the kids laying around the floor swapping toys and arguing loudly. 

Lilly had giggled loudly at his stumbling about thinking he was joking, and I think eventually he was. I had laughed along with Christy and Jess. He was always on the verge of hurting himself or anyone close to him just by being himself. He had smirked at us once he was stable and clear of further interference and then had focused all his attention on his little girl.

I had sat transfixed, sipping my beer, ignoring the chatter from Christy and Jessie, ignoring the boys talking excitedly to one another about this nerf, or that cartoon, and had watched him holding her close to him, her legs around his waist, his arms easily supporting her thirteen-year-old weight now they were both upright. 

His strength had often surprised me. I was so used to being the big man next to him, well almost everyone really, that even I forgot often times, that compared to normal sized people, he was no lightweight. I still don’t know if I would have had the confidence to go through my life being dwarfed by my best friend, so much so that the world thought I was little. But he had only smiled, genuinely amused by the assumptions. I had always been the more competitive. He had never cared who won, only that he was laughing while he was trying.

I remember her beautiful smile mirroring his own. He had been talking to her quietly, unable to be heard by anyone else over the music, and she was beaming, her arms tightening around his neck as he rocked her gently, moving in a slow circle with her, her head falling to his shoulder.

Some time later, he had looked over at me as he rocked her in place, meeting my gaze, registering the dazed awe in my own expression and instead of looking away awkwardly, had smiled warmly. The love and joy in his eyes as they studied my face filling every empty part of me, making me feel whole. I had had no choice but to smile back at him a little sadly.

I blink back any tears that might be thinking of arriving and stand to begin pacing again.

I could have talked to him that night, I think. I wish that I had.

He had given me his share of encouraging looks over the years, but that night there had been something almost spiritual between us in that shared look. He had come and sat close to me after he had finished dancing, much closer than he needed to, sipping his own beer and watching our wives and children, feeling the magic too.

“This has been great, Rhett.” his leg nearly brushing against mine. 

I had smiled at him but was struggling to meet his eye. The warmth of his body inches from mine suddenly all I had been able to focus on.

“It has, yeah.” I had kept my gaze on the bottle in my hands, wanting desperately to be able to act.

“I’m gonna go in and get another. You need anything?” 

And something in his expression or tone had told me he was inviting me to follow him into the increased privacy of the house, for what I am not sure, but for something that I wanted, that I needed, but I couldn’t find the words, or the strength and my body wouldn’t move. And after a short pause, he had smiled as he stood, surveying our families again before patting my shoulder warmly. “I’ll be right back.” 

I was startled out of my memories by my phone. Christy’s name coming up on the display. I answered quickly.

“Will you come over, please.” Her words rush at me, not giving me any chance for even a hello. She sounds like she is crying and trying to pretend that she’s not.

“Are you ok?” I ask, knowing the answer, but that is the thing to be said.

“Yes. I need to go, Rhett. For a couple of hours. I can’t leave him on his own. I don’t want...” her breath hitching, giant sobs forcing their way out despite her fighting to hold them in.

“What’s happened?” My heart is racing now, she sounds so upset and hurt and panicked. It scares me. A lot. I grab my keys and make my way to the car, trying to figure out what has happened.

Throughout all of this she has been strong. For Link, for me, for their children. I’m not saying she never cries, or never got angry or scared or upset. But she sounds utterly destroyed.

“I can’t. Please, will you just come. I don’t have anyone else I can ask.”

“Of course. Is he ok?” 

“Just. Will you just come. I have to go.” An edge of anger in her voice now.

“I’m sorry, Christy. I’m leaving now.” 

I drive as fast as I sensibly can. my mind racing trying to figure out what could have happened. 

Is he refusing to go to NC? Christy hadn’t seemed overly distressed at the thought earlier, although she would clearly have preferred he agreed.

I pull up to their driveway, parking on the street to allow for Chisty to get the minivan out if she is still intending on going out. The house looks much the same as it did this morning, but a sense of dread comes over me anyway.

I walk up the path and knock on the front door. I feel like I need to be invited in for some reason.

Christy opens the door looking up at me with a mix of gratitude and sorrow.

I reach for her shoulder, “What’s happened?”

“I can’t talk right now, Rhett. Will you just sit with him a while.” 

“Of course. But, where are you going?” 

“I don’t know. Just away. I’ll call you when I’m on my way back.” She turns and grabs her bag from the table in the hallway, tears flowing freely by the time she is facing me again.

“I’m so sorry, Christy. I’m sure whatever it is, we’ll get through it.” 

She gives me a pained smile and pushes past me, not looking back and gets into her car. I watch her back down the driveway before moving further into the house.

I find Link where I had left him this morning, parked close to the kitchen table. His computer still in front of him.

“Hey, buddy.” I say quietly.

He looks over at me slowly. Blinks and nods.

He looks empty. 

“What happened?” I ask hoping someone will tell me what is going on.

He shakes his head, looking back to his lap.

“You don’t want to talk about it at the moment?” 

He moved back closer to his computer. 

No. I need to talk to Christy more.

“Ok, buddy. Well, hopefully, she will be back soon. Do you want a coffee?” 

I busy myself in the kitchen, trying to not stare at him while he sits staring at his lap. What is going on? And why is no one telling me? 

I bring our drinks over to the table and sit in the chair closest to him.

He glances towards me but won’t meet my gaze.

“Link, I think it might help if you talk.” 

He shook his head slowly. His eyes still refusing to settle on mine.

I reach for his hand and take a sip of my coffee with my free one. “Yours is still too hot, ok?” 

He looks at our hands intently, nodding slightly.

We stay that way for the next half hour. Drinking our coffees and holding hands. I try to talk sometimes, but he seems content to sit quietly. His eyes dropping to our hands sometimes, sometimes to my face but often at the far wall straight ahead. 

I clear the table and load the dishwasher, tidying up the breakfast dishes. Link makes his way into the living room and parks by the window.

His computer is sitting on the table, and I guess at least Link’s side of the conversation will be on the screen. Or recoverable. I look at it for a long moment, walk over and close the lid ashamed I had even considered it.

I turn on the TV and sit on the couch, trying to do something other than stare at him. He glances over at the screen briefly and then out the window again.

“You wanna do anything?” I ask.

He shakes his head, without looking at me, and we stay sitting in the same room not speaking until Christy returns a couple of hours later.

I stand and look at her expectantly, but she is having trouble meeting my gaze as well. I’m starting to feel like the invisible man. She looks over to Link who has not changed position since she returned. Still looking steadfastly out the window. 

She sighs deeply, sorrow etched into lines on her face I don’t remember her having before.

“Thank you for staying with him, Rhett.” 

“That’s ok.” I say. Unsure what else to add. Not asking what is going on again only to be ignored. 

“I, uh. We have a, uh. Few things to work through. I will take care of him tomorrow ok?” she says hesitantly. 

I glance over at Link who is still paying no attention to either of us.

“Of course. Whatever you want.” I swallow. Feeling like I am in trouble for something I don’t remember doing. 

“I’m sorry, Rhett. I will talk to you as soon as I can.” 

And so for the second time I leave their home, but now with instructions to not return in the near future. I guess it will be Monday at the earliest. Christy normally takes care of his morning routine on the weekends. 

I drive back home slowly feeling lost and alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhett has been left to take care of Link while their families are away.

“So, Christy gave me a letter as she was leaving, which I have read,” I say slowly. 

After waiting most of the day for him to talk to me, or for an opening of some kind so I could talk to him, I decide I have to just start. And the easiest way is probably this.

His eyes move over to me, glancing at my eyes before dropping back to his lap. Nodding slowly.

“So, I am going to read it to you.” 

He starts shaking his head slowly, looking distraught.

“Link, please. Just. Hear me out ok? I think it’s important that I do.” 

I look down again at the crisp white paper, her fluid and confident handwriting filling most of page.

I begin to read, slowly and carefully.

“Dear Rhett. 

I am writing to you because I promised Link I would talk to you before we left. 

He talked to me about a lot of things over the past few days, that he wanted my help in talking to you about. But, as you know, I didn’t.”

I glance up at him, his groan startling me. I reach out and hold his hand a moment, before bending my head to read again. Licking my lips, trying to find the courage to go on.

“Link, she then says, ‘I love him, with all of my heart. And, I know that you care a great deal about him too. So, you might think it cruel of me to not fulfill this promise. But, Rhett. I just can’t. I really tried. But, the words just won’t come. I can’t even write it here.

But what I can do, is tell you that no matter what happens in the near future, that I understand, and I will not stand in his way. I love him. And, I love you.

Please tell him that I couldn’t talk with you and that you want to know what he has to say. What he has been thinking about over the past months. Well, years really I suppose. 

But Rhett, please be gentle with him. I don’t know if he will find a way to talk to you about this or not, but if he does, please be kind. And be honest. Whatever your honesty is. Don’t lie to him because you think it is for the best. Please, be honest with him and yourself.

And if he can’t, or if he doesn’t talk with you, please be kind. He is carrying a lot of demons these days.

I will be back with the children on Friday afternoon and I don’t really want to know if you guys had a chance to talk or not. I think it best if you contact me only in an emergency in the meantime. I really just need some time out from all of this for a few days. I’m sure you boys will be fine.

The other thing I need to tell, you and maybe Jessie has spoken with you already. But, she is bringing the boys out to my folks house as well. I have talked with her about Link. Please don’t be angry with me for doing so. I think you will understand why I had to eventually. 

We both feel that you guys need a chance to work through this. To spend the time together working it out, and at the end of the week we’ll be back in town and we can figure out the rest.

Give Link a hug for me, and remind him that he is loved. Always. That will never change.

Don’t be too hard on yourself either, Rhett. 

Take good care, and we’ll see y’all in a few days.

Love Christy’”

I lower the pages, shaking a little in my hands and look at his face again.

“Will you talk to me, Link?” I ask, scared of what he might be hiding from me. Has been hiding from me for how long?

He looks at me quickly, only his eyes moving, his head remaining front and centre. I can see tears welling in his eyes, and I don’t know if I should be comforting him, or waiting. But, then it seems a silly distinction so I take his glasses off, and put my arms around him, pulling him to me, feeling his head resting heavy on my shoulder, his lips close to my neck.

“Whatever it is, man, it’s gonna be ok. I’m not going anywhere, ok? Please tell me what’s wrong?” 

He makes a strangled kinda groan, his hand shifting on his armrest, trying to hug me back.

I swallow my own sorrow, and carefully move back from him, tilting him back against his wheelchair.

“Can you tell me? Like, I mean, do you know a way to tell me?” I ask him gently, looking at his eyes searching mine.

He nods slowly, glancing over to his computer and looking back at me.

“You want your computer?” 

He shook his head slowly.

“Are you ready to tell me now?” 

He shook his head again.

“Ok, Link. You don’t gotta tell me right now.”

He stares ahead. His face still wet with tears. But, I think that at least some of them are due to the frustration of whatever it is, not being done for him already. That he will have to find a way to explain it to me.

I stand up beside him and dry his face. Wanting to try and lift the mood a little. I’m not the most sensitive man in the world, but whatever is going on is heavy. We both need a break from it.

“You wanna go out for a while? Maybe go for a drink?”

He smiles slowly and nods.

“Now, just one. I don’t want you getting drunk.” 

He nods again grinning a little and moves over to where his computer sits.

I start it up for him and make sure everything he needs is within reach.

“I’m just gonna tidy away our stuff yeah?” 

When I get back he tells me he just wants one beer and that we need to be back by 8 pm for his carer.

“Shall we bring your computer?” 

He shakes his head smiling at me, confident I guess that I will understand the general gist of what he is thinking or trying to communicate. And, most of the time we get by fairly well.

“Christy had to take the van Link, so we’ll need to grab a taxi ok?” 

He moans a little but nods.

“I’m gonna pick up a van tomorrow we’ll be able to cruise the city in.”

I spent a little bit of time getting him ready for the outing. Mostly just making sure his hair looks good, his face is washed after the crying earlier, and check he is wearing what he wants to be seen in.

“Do I look alright?” I ask, stepping back watching his face closely.

His eyes travel over my body, a small smile on his lips. His eyes slowly raise to mine making me blush a little.

He smiles warmly then and nods. 

We decide to sit at a table outside, saving the hassle of getting around people and tables in his wheelchair indoors, but we still have to get a few people to stand and move their chairs out the way so we can get to a free table.

Link remains patient throughout this, smiling and nodding at people who are looking at him with pity and or annoyance. I manage to clear a path and we are finally sitting with a beer each. 

I take a big mouthful of his so I won’t spill it down his shirt when I give him a drink. He watches the glass move from the table to my lips and then head towards him. His smile widening.

“Now, no silliness ok? I can’t kill you the first day I’m looking after ya.” 

He laughs a little as he adjusts his wheelchair so he is not tilted back as far as usual.

He normally uses a straw for drinks, but we decide to risk it. So we are both a little nervous as I hold the glass to his lips with one hand, and rest my other against his shoulder, aiming to help him stay upright as he leans his head forward. I wait until he finishes chuckling before tilting the glass for him.

We successfully negotiate the first mouthful. No choking or coughing, and I manage to not spill any down his chin.

We both grin at each other broadly.

“Cheers, man! Damn. We’re good at this!” I exclaim, relieved.

I take a drink of my own beer, and we sit looking at each other. Occasionally glancing around us. I make small talk about the weather which he murmurs agreement through as he glances around casually. I try to pay attention to what he is looking at, trying to see where his thoughts are at.

“I can’t remember the last time we went to a bar, Link.” 

He grins and shakes his head slowly.

I give him another mouthful, ignoring the people watching us. I can feel his body tense under my hand now. He has a lot of tolerance for people, but there are limits to everyone’s patience. I keep my hand on his shoulder, as I put his glass down, taking a mouthful of mine.

“I should really give ‘em something to stare at.” 

He glances at me sideways, his eyebrow raised, a smirk on his face. He makes a kissing face at me, and we both laugh loudly.

“Yeah, something like that buddy.” 

We finally settle down again, both of us looking anywhere but at each other for a few minutes. All I can think about is what it might be like to actually kiss him. I am not sure what he is thinking about, but it is making him smile that smile he does when he trying very hard to not make a face at all. And that makes me want to kiss him all the more. 

I play with my glass a little before clearing my throat.

“Uh, you want another drink?” 

He glances down at his glass, looks back up at me and shakes his head slowly, smiling and looking back out towards the street. He tilts the back of his chair back a little again, resting his head against it, squinting a little in the setting sun.

“You look good, Link,” I say without thinking.

He rolls his head towards me and smiles.

“You too.” he says in his laboured way, before facing forward again.

“Well, I think they will all be in NC by now?” 

He nods, murmuring low in his throat, blinking slowly.

“I might give Jess a call, eh? Just make sure they landed ok?” 

He nods without looking at me. Making a noise in his throat and gesturing a little towards his glass.

I pick it up and bring it to his mouth, tilting it slowly letting him take a drink before replacing it on the table close to mine. I start dialling as I wipe his chin with a napkin.

“Hi, honey,” Jess answers after only two rings. She doesn't sound angry. Just happy to hear my voice.

“Oh! Hi. I was not expecting you so fast.” I laugh a little. Nervous about whatever she knows that I don’t and missing her. I stand up from the table, pat Link on the shoulder, lean down close to his ear and tell him quietly, “I’m gonna be right back, ok?” 

He smiles at me humming as he does.

I make my way out onto the street, holding my phone close to my ear, trying to block the sounds of traffic out enough for me to hear her. Still able to see Link at our table.

“How was the flight? Everyone ok?” I ask.

“Yes, it was fine. Kids are good. All of them. Christy is fine. We’re heading to her folks house now.” 

“Jess?” 

“You ok, Rhett?” 

“Not really to be honest. I’m going a little crazy. Look. I dunno what Christy has talked to you about.” I start before she cuts me off.

“Link hasn’t talked with you yet?” 

“No. He hasn’t. And. I kinda think it’s a bit shit that Christy didn’t before she left. I mean, can he even talk to me about it? Wouldn’t it have made sense…” 

Again she cut me off.

“No. And, don’t think badly of Christy, you’ll just feel like an asshole later.” 

“Ok. So she has told you?” 

“Yes.” she says levelly, giving nothing at all away.

“Can someone give me a clue? Why am I the only one that doesn’t know? I mean. I am meant to be his best friend!” 

She is quiet for so long I look at my phone to make sure the call hasn’t dropped out.

“It’s not my place, or Christy’s really. He talked to Christy as his wife. And she’s talked to me as her friend and your wife. He needs to be the one to talk with you about it. It’s nothing that is going to be mind-shatteringly shocking to you. I think. It’s just a big deal to him right now.” 

“And you? What do you think?” 

“I love you both. I hope for his sake that he can be brave and talk with you. And I hope you can be brave and listen. I love you, Rhett. Take care of him, and we’ll see you on Friday. We’re all fine, kids are great, the flight was fine, Christy is smiling beside me. Get back to Link, he shouldn’t be alone this long.” 

“Christy has asked for some time out,” I say quickly. “Um, Can I call you again?” 

“Yes, you can honey. Pass on Christy’s love and all the kids of course. We all miss you both.” 

I look back towards our table, my gaze finding Link’s. He looks determined. His expression hard, certain. Bracing himself for what?

I attempt a small smile, slipping my phone back into my jeans and head back to him carefully.

He looks up at me as I move around his chair and sit back at the table.

“They all pass on their love. Flight went well. Everyone is happy and well.” I say as I shift my chair closer to him, resting my arm along his, holding his hand loosely in mine. I feel his body start to relax again. Lose some of its fight or flight stance.

His fingers twitch against mine, so I squeeze his hand gently and smile at him. Now that I have spoken with Jessie and she doesn’t seem mad at me over whatever it is, I can relax and wait. But, I hope he tells me soon. We have too many secrets between us.

“I’m really thankful I get to sit here with you, Link.” 

He grins a little. Nodding his agreement.

“We better get back before your carer sends out a search warrant.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhett shares his secret. Link finds action speaks louder than words.

I enter his bedroom once I have let his carer out and locked up the rest of the house. 

“Everything go ok?” I ask, for something to say. I feel a bit awkward being in his room this time of the evening, especially as the intention is I will be getting into bed with him in a moment. He needs to have someone with him overnight and it makes the most sense for us to sleep together.

This will not be the first time we’ve shared a bed by any means, but there seems something different about it now. I think in part because of the secret he is keeping, and the feelings that I am as well and in part because it is his home. We are not on the road somewhere travelling with budgetary restraints, or booking mix-ups or just wanting some company on a hard trip.

The overhead light is still on, and he watches me silently as I strip down to my boxers and slip into his bed quickly. I’m mildly unsettled that his wife normally sleeps where I currently lie. But. There isn’t a lot I can do about that.

Once I am settled, I look over at Link, propped up slightly beside me, staring up at the ceiling. A peaceful look on his face. He looks quite different with his glasses off from this angle.

“Hmmm,” he says, slow and low. Smiling a little at whatever is going on in his mind.

I smile and roll over to look at him, raising the head of the bed on my side too, so we are level.  
He grins and bumps one of the large buttons on the rail beside him and raises his side slightly, laughing a little as I do the same. 

We keep playing with the bed for an extremely long amount of time before he starts coughing and then choking from laughing too much and not swallowing enough. I slide my arm underneath him quickly and bring him to a sitting position against me until he stops and is breathing normally again. I give him a drink of water and we sit a moment grinning at one another.

“OK. No more silliness. I'm not killing you the first bloody night. Lay down, Neal.” 

I lower him back to the bed, fixing the blanket over him and lie down carefully beside him. Both of us making a slight adjustment to the bed. Lowering it a little.

He looks to the ceiling again for a few moments before his head rolls to the side and his eyes bore into mine. The dazzling blue makes me feel things I shouldn’t. He always unnerves me when he looks at me without his glasses on. He’s not smiling, but he doesn’t look sad. Just thoughtful. His eyes searching my face.

“You ok?” I ask.

He nods a little. “Mmmm.” 

“Need anything?” 

“Mmm.”

“Food?” 

“Nah.” 

“Cold?” 

“Nah.”

“Hot?”

“Hmm.” 

“You want the blanket down some?” 

“Mmmm.” 

I lower the blanket, letting it pool at his hips, his pajama top buttoned primly by his carer. 

“You wanna take your top off?” 

Link smirks a little bit, “Mmmm.” 

“It is pretty warm tonight,” I add.

He nods, keeping his eyes on the ceiling now.

I sit up and unbutton his top, kneeling beside him and manage to get him to a seated position so I can take it right off. I lower him carefully back to the bed, throw his top on the floor beside the bed, and lay back down next to him, before realising who is lying next to me and get out, pick it up and fold it carefully placing it on the chair against the far wall.

“Sorry, Link,” I say as I get back into bed.

He smiles at me warmly, sliding a hand across the mattress towards me.

I hold his hand firmly. 

“Need anything else?” 

“Mmmm.”

I feel his hand squeeze mine a little. Food, shelter, warmth... love?

“You want a hug?” 

He smiles at me again, nodding.

I let go of his hand and shuffle closer to him, letting my arm rest across his chest, forgetting his arm is between us until I feel his hand brush against me. I manage to remain calm and not leap from the bed spewing apologies, just laugh a little instead.

“Sorry, Link. I wasn’t tryin’ ta get fresh with ya.” but, even as I am talking I realise I haven’t moved away either.

He just looks at me steadily, not smiling or frowning, and makes no attempt to shift his hand away, if anything the pressure against me increases. I, for whatever reason am frozen in place as well. Well, I know the reason. The heat of the back of his hand against me multiplying a hundred fold at the unexpectedness of it and the inappropriateness of this. But I can’t seem to move away just yet. I have wanted him to touch me for so many years. Not quite like this. But I don’t want to move away.

“Link,” I whisper. 

I don’t know what to say or do. So I say nothing further, and I remain still, hoping he can’t tell that I am beginning to get hard. Another part of me hoping that he can. Maybe, I have things I need to tell him too. And maybe I should go first. 

He nudges one of the large buttons on the panel on his side of the bed. The lights dim considerably, but I can still see well enough to know he is still looking at me.

His hand moves very slightly against me. My hand moves across his cool skin, up his chest to his shoulder, tracing a path to his neck. My palm moving up his neck to his jaw, the stubble rough against my skin, turning his head further towards me slowly.

“Link?” I whisper again.

“Mmmm.” he licks his lips with some effort, his eyes glinting in the low light.

I prop myself up a little bit on my elbow, my hand still cupping his face, my left hand resting on his shoulder, my heart beating hard in my chest, unsure if I am doing the right or wrong thing on so many levels, but I don’t think I am wrong that he wants me to do this. And I want to do this. 

But, because he can’t physically stop me, I ask him hesitantly.

“Link. I. I’m gonna kiss you, ok?” 

He moans quietly as he breathes out, his eyes intent on mine.

I lean forward, feeling the pressure of his hand between us increase with the changing angle of my body, and I think he may have moved his hand slightly closer as I rolled towards him, but I am much more focused on his lips, and his eyes looking up at me, trusting and loving and I realise what he has been trying to tell me all those mornings when I get him ready, with all those long, long looks. All those small comments, and casual touches in the past. All the lingering looks while filming, and while planning the episodes and while living our lives alongside each other. I realise with total clarity what he was offering at that get together with our families. If there was anything else that I needed. And the answer has always been yes. I needed him, like that, how we have always been, as my lifelong best friend. But I also wanted him, needed him, like this.

So I kiss him as gently as I can after a lifetime of waiting, and he moans into my mouth, the sound reverberating through us both, his lips moving over mine slowly, hesitantly. I feel his tongue brush my lips and have to fight myself from kissing him back hard. I feel tears rolling down my face, but I am as far from sad as I have been in a long long time. I can feel his tears as well, pooling along my hand that holds his face, his breathing catching almost as much as mine.

“I love you, Link,” I whisper to him in the semi-dark, as he lies virtually motionless beside me.

“Love you.” he manages, and although it is not very clear, it is to me.

I kiss him for a very long time. And he kisses me back. Like high school kids making out, not old enough to have sex yet, but unable to stop kissing the other either. Both with minds racing, focused so utterly on the sensations in the moment but also mildly distracted by the fantasy of taking things a step further, and a step further and a step further.

The tears stop and smiles come fleetingly, but mostly there is wonder on both of our faces. I know we should be talking, but I have nothing I want to say that is more important than his lips on mine, so I keep kissing him until my shoulder is cramping from supporting my weight off his body for so long.

I finally lay back against my pillow and let my hand move down his neck and over his chest. He watches me, his eyes on mine, on my lips, my chest.

He smiles at me then, his eyes bright and shining. 

“Hi.” he says as clearly as he can manage.

“Hi, yourself,” I reply quietly. Not wanting to talk too loud. Worried the spell will be broken.

He looks up at the ceiling, breathing heavily still. My hand raising and falling with the movement of his chest. I feel his upper arm tensing a little against me, and I feel his hand again coming to rest against me. I look at him, saying nothing. Trying to read his mind. 

My own hand moves slowly down his stomach, my fingers tracing the hair leading to the waistband of his pajama pants. The closer I get, the more unsteady his breathing becomes and the firmer the pressure against me.

I feel him turn his hand over, palm up, trying to slide his hand beneath me. I move subtly so I am resting in his hand some. Moaning loudly despite his hand remaining almost completely stationary. Knowing it is his hand, that his eyes are searching mine as he feels me hard in his hand and that he is smiling shyly.

“Is. Is that ok?” I ask him quietly. 

He nods, his hand tensing a little around me.

“Hellllp.” he says as best he can.

“Do you.” I stop. Unsure how to go on. If I am wrong, it will be bad. If I am right, it will be… what?

He is nodding slowly trying to move his hand against me.

“Do you want me to help you? To touch me?” I ask, surprised I am not blushing. 

But, he is the one putting himself on the line now. I am only having to meet him halfway because he has no other choice, and I am not going to make him beg to be heard. Or pretend I am ignorant to his intentions. I know what he is trying to do.

He nods again, swallowing visibly.

“Ok, Link,” I say quietly. “I’m gonna take my boxers off, ok?” 

He nods again, his eyes never leaving mine now.

So I do and lie again on my side, facing towards him, moving a little further up the bed, my own left hand slipping beneath his right, helping him curl his fingers around me.

We both moan, blinking rapidly, and I feel myself starting to cry again and I can’t tell why, and I don’t really care. 

I lean towards him again and kiss him softly, listening to him moan against my mouth, his tongue again finding mine, his hand tightening briefly around me before relaxing again in my hand. Taking the hint, I move our hands over the length of me slowly.

He sighs, lifting his head towards me to kiss me harder, as his hand again spasms a little around me, so I lean closer to him, letting him relax against the pillow as I kiss him as passionately as I dare. Thrusting slowly into his hand.

“Gosh, Link. You. You feel so nice.” 

“Mmmm.” he breathes out.

I look again at his face, trying to read his thoughts. And, I am not a mind reader, but I don’t need to be to see the lust and love and passion in his eyes. Radiating from him. For what will not be the first time tonight, I wish I had let him before. I wish I had told him before. I wish I had gone inside with him that night. Let him pull me to the floor with him and let him do anything and everything his heart desired.

“Hmmmm.” he says again, his eyes travelling over my chest to the blanket covering our hands.

“Do you wanna see?” I ask my voice breaking. 

He grins slowly, nodding.

So I push the blanket down the bed so we are both uncovered and my eyes are automatically drawn to him. To his body, I am greedy and look at his crotch, seeing he is hard before looking back up to his face as I continue to help him stroke me. I kiss him gently again before looking at his chest. Really seeing him, not for the first time by any means. I have studied every inch of him over the years, and certainly over the past months. But tonight I let my face show my thoughts. My need and desire for him. My love and hopes and fears.

I kiss his chest gently, keeping my weight off of him. I run my hand up his thigh, kissing his neck softly, letting the back of my hand brush against him. His whole body jerks and he moans in part pleasure and some pain I think. 

“I’m sorry, Link. Is this ok?” 

He moans softly, nodding. We are crying again, but we just blink through the tears trying to clear our vision enough to see each other.

“Can I touch you?” I whisper to him in the semi-dark. Knowing what his answer will be, but feeling like I should ask.

He moans deeply and squeezes me again, his head rolling towards me so he can watch my face again.

I slip my hand down the front of his pants and close my hand around him firmly.

He makes a strangled kind of noise, that is mostly pleasure I think, but he’s still crying too, so I kiss his face, my head on his pillow, kissing his forehead, and eyelids and his lips again when he tilts his head up a little to me. My hand still moving his over me, and my other hand enclosing the heat of him. I close my eyes tightly, focusing on how he feels in my hand. So hard, and smooth. Like touching myself in some ways, but very different as well.

I realise after a few moments of touching him that his carer has removed his catheter. I smile a little as I kiss him. I can only guess that he asked her to. That there may have been some premeditation on his behalf. 

I pull back a little so I can look at him properly, suddenly unsure again.

“Does that feel nice, Link?” 

“Hmmmmmmm.” 

“Does it feel how it used to?” 

He shakes his head a little but smiles.

“Can, uh. Can you come?” 

He grins a little raising his eyebrow.

“I mean, assuming I’m not really crap at jerking a dude off. Are you, like…” 

He laughs a little and nods, still looking at me with a challenge in his eye.

“I want that, Link. I want to make you come. I wanna make you feel really good.” 

“Me. Too,” he says.

“I’m gonna kiss your stomach ok?” 

He bumps the controls on the side of the bed moving into more of a seated position. Raising his head just over 45 degrees. He nods then, watching me closely as I lean over to kiss his stomach gently, my hand still stroking him carefully. The number of mornings I have dreamt of kissing him here, just below his belly button. Or here, just above where his pants sit. I lick slowly back up his body, kissing and sucking at his skin sometimes, licking again up his neck, my hands either side of his body supporting my weight as I find my way back to his mouth, and he is watching me every time I glance up at him. A beautifully sexy smile on his face. He is enjoying the show I think.

I wish I had told him. I wish I had just stood up and walked into the house with him. I wish I had thrown him on my bed and loved him.

“Link,” I whisper again, as my mouth moves over his jaw. He turns his head so his mouth meets mine, and I forget for a while that I was in the middle of doing anything else and he seems happy to let me.

“Link, I'm so sorry.” I say quietly as I kiss his neck, tickling his skin with my beard, but that's not why I'm apologising. 

He hums gently.

“I thought. I thought I'd have time.” 

I kiss along his collarbone, ignoring my tears, salty on his skin as I lick and kiss my way down his body.

I lick and then suck gently on his nipples, causing him to again shudder beneath me groaning loudly.

“Do you like that?” I whisper as I lick him again with the same result. Alternating between each while he trembles breathless beneath me. 

“I’m gonna take off your pants, ok?” 

He nods jerkily, and I make short work of it, not trying to be gentle tonight. I need him and he needs me right now.

I touch him again then, his shaft slick with precum. Both of us moaning, while I whisper his name. Looking into his eyes feverous with lust and need now. 

I kiss him slowly but firmly before moving down his body, replacing my hand with my mouth. 

His moaning groan scares me for a moment, it sounds so primal and deep and desperate, but then I'm overcome with the sensation of him hard in my mouth. 

I moan around him, licking and sucking his cock. Thinking for the first time that I'm having sex with a man. With my best friend. And I have loved him for always. Wanted him for years. And he tastes better than I have ever imagined he could and he wants me back. 

I settle into a steady rhythm, drawing him into my mouth letting my tongue move over him as I suck him deeper into my mouth, trying to take more each time I lower my head again. I wrap my hand around him as well, hearing the motor on the bed as he sits up little further.

I pause, opening my mouth a little, looking into his eyes as I lick slowly up his shaft to the tip. Swirling my tongue around the head of his cock, licking my lips and smiling.

He gives me a trembling smile back.

“More.” He says as best he can and I suck on him again, moving faster; his eyes on me encourage me to be bolder.

He moans loudly, his breathing stopping sometimes and then coming in huge gasps of air.

“I want you to come for me, Link. I wanna taste you, swallow it all.” 

“Mmmmmm” very loud. 

I speed up, sure he would be thrusting into my mouth now if he could. And I love it, everything about it. The sounds he is making, the fullness in my mouth, the power and submission I simultaneously feel, and above all the promise of his pleasure. That hopefully for at least a moment he will be only focused on the feeling of my mouth around his him as he comes. That it will be me that lets him forget everything else and just feel. And feel good. 

I wish I had done this a thousand times before. 

I moan around him, feeling him growing even larger in my mouth, throbbing against my tongue. His breathing very shallow and fast, moaning loudly, I run my free hand across his chest and brush against his nipple and then he is coming into my mouth with surprising force, groaning and trying to swear. Trembling as I keep sucking on him, trying to swallow and not choke, listening to the sound of him giving himself to me. 

I keep him in my mouth but suck him slowly now, gently. Making sure I've swallowed every drop. Feeling him start to soften in my mouth which feels amazing as well. Will he let me do this again? Will he let me make him hard with my mouth? 

His breathing is still very erratic, but he is smiling widely when I look up at him. I kneel over him, straddling his thighs, but not resting on his legs, wiping my mouth clean with my hand before I lean forward and kiss him, feeling his heart racing against my hand as I rest it lightly on his chest. His body slick with sweat. His hair sticking to his forehead in a very sexy way.

“I love you, Link. That was amazing.” 

“Mmmmmm.”

He looks tired, but he doesn’t have the demeanor of a man finished for the night. His eyes travel to my erection and back up to my face. He tries lifting his hand towards me. Smiling slowly. His eyes full of love and relief and mischief.

“You wanna touch me again?” 

He nods, holding his hand off of the bed as much as he can. 

So I take his hand and wrap him around me, closing my hand over his, watching him watching me. I move him over me slowly. His eyes remain fixedly on my cock in our hands. 

“Can you feel how hard I am?” I ask him as my breathing becomes more irregular. 

“Hmmm.” 

“How much I loved sucking you.” 

He squeezes me a little, smiling and glancing up at my face.

“Mmmmmmmmm.” 

I can feel him trying to move his hand, seeing the muscles in his shoulder tensing. 

“Faster?” I ask quietly.

He nods, his eyes back on our hands. 

So I move his hand faster on me, moving my hips now as well, thrusting into his hand, tightening his grip. I can still taste him in my mouth, can still feel him against my tongue. It will not take long at all.

I love the way he is looking at me. Hungry.

I wish that I had told him. I wish I could have seen this passion on his face when he could do whatever he wanted about it. And I should have let him. If I had known, I would have let him. Do anything.

I close my eyes and focus on now, and his hand, and our breathing and his body beneath mine. I hear him moaning and feel his hand tense around me. I open my eyes and see his are locked on mine, startling in their beauty. I realise I’ve been weeping and can see that he is again too.

I sigh shakily and lean forward to kiss the tears away.

“We’re a great pair huh?” 

He moans softly as I kiss his mouth, letting him set the pace, which is passionate but slow.

I sit up again and wipe his tears away with my thumb and my own with the back of my hand, and focus on watching our hands. And it feels so good. I look at his face again and he is watching our hands again, smiling slightly, licking his lips. 

“I'm close, Link.” 

“Mmmm.” 

I start to get off of him, but he shakes his head from side to side and squeezes me firmly.

“You want me to come on you? Cause that's what's gonna happen if I stay here.” 

He nods firmly. His eyes flicking to mine before moving back to my dick watching intently. So, I tighten his grip on me, and move faster in his hand, wanting to give him a show, make him see how good he is making me feel. 

“I love you, Link.” 

He smiles up at me sweetly, open and loving, before his gaze falls back to our hands and lust alters his smile to something else entirely. 

I wish I had taken the chance before. I wish he could at least tell me what he is thinking when that smile is on his lips, that look in his eyes.

“God, Link. I’m gonna come.” 

“Mmmmmmmm.” 

I miss him so much and I loved him with all my heart. But I love this man here beneath me now, too. And I know logically they’re the same man. 

But, I miss his voice.

I can hear him now, as I imagine him whispering in my ear, telling me to come, how good I look in his hand, how much he wants to fuck me, remembering his voice, low and smooth and sexy when he was just talking about the weather.

And then he surprises me, speaking fairly clearly.

“Come.” 

And I do. Hard, moaning his name, trying to stay upright as I squeeze his hand around me. I force my eyes to stay open as much as I can, watching him as I come over his still body. Feeling a little conflicted about it, but he is smiling with his whole body, his hand gripping me firmly even as I relax my own hand.

I lean forward and kiss him slowly, trying to catch my breath and trying to not cry anymore. He moans as we kiss and I wish again I could feel his arms around me. I feel both blessed and cursed.

“Love you,” He says as best he can.

“I love you.” I kiss his forehead, pushing his hair back from his face. I look down at him for a few minutes. Both of us smiling at one another nakedly. For maybe the first time in a long time with nothing hidden or denied between us. I swallow and glance away unable to deal with the intensity of it all anymore.

“I better get you cleaned up,” I say, kissing him gently again before getting up to find something to wash him with.

“Hmm.” he says, his eyes following me as I move to the ensuite.

I come back with a bowl of warm water, a washcloth, soap and a towel. 

He smiles at me, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, you won’t sleep properly if you aren’t clean. I’ll only take a minute.” 

I wash his face and dry it quickly. Drying his hair a little too, surprised how wet it is. 

“You sure did sweat a lot.” 

He grins and nods.” 

“I should really give you a shower.”

“Naaah.” 

“Is the bed wet under you?” 

He shrugs his right shoulder a little laughing at my fussing.

I roll him towards me carefully and feel the mattress. I can’t really tell. 

“You’re gonna sleep on my side with me just in case. I don’t want you gettin’ sick.” 

We both grin at each other.

I wash down his chest and private parts fairly quickly making sure he is clean and dry. He watches me quietly throughout, smiling softly.

I put everything away and get back into bed. I put the rail up on the bed behind me so I can’t fall out accidentally in the night before I lie on my side and pull him closer to me, snug against my body. We share my pillow, my forehead against his head as he stares up at the ceiling. I hold his right hand in mine on his stomach, not wanting to squash his arm between us.

He hums quietly, turning his head a little to lean against mine. I watch his eyes slowly close in the low light. It takes longer and longer before they open again, his breathing slowing to match mine, his body relaxing against the length of me. I keep quiet and still, hoping he will fall asleep quickly. We have a lot to talk about tomorrow, and I can’t sleep until I know that he is at peace tonight. 

“Goodnight, Link,” I whisper to him. “Have sweet dreams.” 

He squeezes my hand and moans a final time before he is sleeping soundly. 

I whisper quietly to him every time that I can remember that I have been blindsided with the knowledge that I am in love with him and never told him.

“I remember Link,” I start, blinking tears out of my eyes, “This one time when we were shifting the old couch into the new studio in Fuquay, and I accidentally jammed your hand hard between the couch and the door frame because I was frustrated at how long it was taking to move all our stuff and you dropped it to the floor and yelled at the ceiling but not at me.” I squeeze his hand, stopping to try and get my breathing to normalise before continuing quietly, “And this one time, Link. When I turned around and you were standing in the doorway smiling at me. That was a lot of times. A lot of different doorways. And you weren’t always smiling. And this other time when we were arguing about what angle the shot should be, and I’d told you it was dumb and you had yelled at me, telling me I was an asshole for calling you dumb and I’d just stared at you knowing I loved you, wanting to kiss you to shut you up, but saying some shitty sarcastic thing instead.” I shift closer to him, knowing that no amount of close is going to be enough tonight. “And this other time, Link,” I say quietly, kissing his shoulder. “When you were talking in your sleep. And you moaned my name. And I pretended I never heard.” 

And I stare at his sleeping face, mourning the loss of him. And celebrating the truth of us. But I so wish I had been brave when he hadn’t needed to be. 

“I love you, Link,” I whisper against his skin. “You’re perfect. Beautiful and perfect.” I listen to him breathing a few moments, closing my own eyes now. “And this other time, Link…”


End file.
